The Budge-Nuzzard

My brain has children. This is one of them. Click post titles for the podcast version.

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Location: Weem-Ti

Newly arrived and hideously gnawed.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Awaking early this very day I intended at once to be quaffied and preened. But, I thought, let me first attend my rumbling tummy and therefore fill it with a colloidal mixture of crunchy bits and a tasty squeezing of bovine delight. And so did I endeavor. But upon the opening of my cupboard I discovered once more that Lurker most sly. I siezed upon it and took it from lurking into light. It was then I saw that repugnant visage so etched upon it. Presented below are representations of that most horrid finding.

See how scandalously lurks that errant knave:

And upon it now I spy a repellant figure, in likeness and robiderance it is the very essence of the Budge-Nuzzard:

Surely there is here affixed some fetid hue:

So, there revealed upon the Lurkers bottom, is as sure a representation as was ever made of a Budge-Nuzzard. Does the Lurker threaten me? Or warn me? Is this the meaning of the Samurai's order to "Seek Pan"? I shall think on such things ere I am quaffied and preened.

Monday, December 19, 2005


Having lately yawned and shortly thereafter relished, I gloan now and shall relate it.

My first thought upon my arrival in Gnashville was, Oh, what a stupid. Thankfully, that, having made little sense to me, was neatly followed by the rather more lucid thought: Corn everlasting! Therefore did I fall upon my long uneaten dinner and consume it.

My search then began in earnest (ear nest? How delightful). I looked high, I looked low, my back began to hurt, I decided against the looking low and looked high again. And then did I spy a strange thing. A terribly hairy sort of a person was loping toward me and speaking without punctuation. This, I thought, was that most parsupplimous of persons, The Sha-Una.

"Ihaveseenit" the Sha-Una said.

And I was too set upon to reply. The Sha-Una pointed a hair-fraught finger toward a hideous nest of shadows that crouched on the street corner. I looked feverishly into that blackness and saw there terror and hair. The Budge-Nuzzard sat loathsomely upon my Anne and patted her with evil intent. She seemed unhurt (though greatly sat upon) but either asleep she was, or unconscious. The Nuzzard then smiled at me odiously.

It was at that moment that The Samurai leapt from a nearby lamp post and assailed my wicked progeny. Their battle was terrible to behold, and was very loud. Many people upon the street stopped to Gnash at them as they fought, but to little effect.

Arise, I thought, and moved to save my nubbled one whilst the Budge and Nuzzard were yet engaged. But, alas, too late. The Nuzzard having seen my rising, swept up Anne in his leg and smote the Samurai to the ground. Then he was gone. Then he was gone. By which I mean formerly the Nuzzard and lattermost the Samurai.

Then from my leftmost side I felt a bristly hand upon my elbow. It was The Sha-Una. Into my hand was pressed a business card and then that hairiest of allies was away with a great loping that filled my upper head with wonder.

Thus, did the card read:

1023 Winderwheedle Way
Voonville, WT

Ah, such travails!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


My sojourn has come to an end, and hideously so.

The darkness of Gnashville have I encountered, and countered it with my lighter shades. It has been no easy endeavor, and I expect that a great yawning must take place before all is clear.

This much will I say now: Anne is yet lost, the Budge-Nuzzard is yet at large, and the Samurai has tested his worth and found it equalled! But hope plods on in the form of the Sha-Una. Alas, these events must be properly relished within my upper head before a full disclosure of such unfoldings can commence.

Having returned I found the Lurker in the Dark gone, escaped, fled to some repellently unlit corner to once more lurk in silence.

More later, I go now to yawn and relish.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Offering

I have recieved a most parsupplimous communication from a source unknown. Upon my journey I was approached by a large and loping man of indistinct color.

"Heave not!" said he and held before me an offering. "You must see."

I was at first given over to repellance and coughing by his appearance. But at length I could glean no ill-intent within his loping gait. I took what he offered and siezed upon it with my mind. It was an envelope! I looked again to my large and loping friend and found him retreating whence he came at a handsome gallop.

I present to you now, in its entirity, with no redaction, nor edited letter, nor tearing away of any meaning seen, this most troubling communication.


And thus was it signed: "...The Sha-Una..."

A most dark, and fearsome nature oozes from the contained ellipses, so carelessly and needlessly placed they are! And what am I to make of the pitiless murder of spacing and rhythm. Lastly, what evil lurks in those words that are both one, and many. I must confess to some distress.

There also, emplaced within the enveloping paper, did this representation lay:


Certainly, there is here borne some Nuzzardous trait within. And yet it is no Nuzzard living depicted. I shall keep these things in mind, verily.

Gnashville draws near. I must collect my wits and number them carefully.


Upon waking, I dared again my doorstep. And indeed, found gone my note of reply. Certainly now, the Nuzzard quakes in fear.

Given long thought and much thinking I have concluded that the finding—nay—the rescuing of Anne is not likely to be accomplished from within my sweet abode. Newly arrived as I am, I had hoped to make no long incursion to the outer places of the world before, at least, my thirtieth, and perhaps my thirty-fourth day. Alas, it must be otherwise!

I therefore looked upon a map that I discovered placed with nustling secrecy amongst the books of the abode and sought to peer at it intently that I might find what place upon it my wicked progeny should most likely be drawn toward, and there hide most hideously.

My eyes tore at the paper with great need! That Anne should be somewhere upon it and Budge-ladened against her very will was foremost upon my eyes as they bounded across the map with furious looking.

A place named Alabama I saw, and cast aside, for no Budge nor Nuzzard either should wish to set limb nor lobe in so named a place. Onward leapt my searching eyes.

Wilmington they saw and dismissed it utterly! A Budge-Nuzzard has never yet been known to Wilm and that it should flee my wrath to a place filled with such is madness most sure.

And then upon a spot upon the paper my eyes smote a terrible blow. This they told me was the place. No other place amapped could bear so cretinous a name. Without doubt my Nuzzard would seek such a place and nustle deep within.

Thus did I plan my course. Thus did I resign myself to bitter hells and fouler smells. Anne must not long abide such as she is forced. Away! Away!

I am leaving, on a craft of loud and quivering air. I do not know when I shall be here again. Oh Anne, I loath such departure!

I go into darkness, and Gnashville is its name.

Of Notes and Madness

See then the above representation. Look with care upon it's maddening content. Guard well your mind against its hideous form.

And see below the very essence of a fist raised against that Budging tyranny that even now threatens my Anne's every dimpled toe.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Note

Anne is lost. When morning came and she did not, I left the abode. The Lurker I left to its own designs, for however weighty the import of the pan, so much more weighty was the weight of Anne. But when I stepped across the threshold and out into the now Budge-infested world, I found despair. Upon the ground lay a note writ by a hideous hand. None but the Budge-Nuzzard could compose such a maddening scrawl. With trembling I seized upon the lonesome note and examined it. It's words were thus:

"No Pot like the Pan...except Anne."

Oh, what purpose drives such hate! What budging madness fuels my wicked progeny! What lobidious torments does it visit, even now, upon my Anne's delicate joints. I dare not think of it, lest I wax toward forbidden lunacy. No, instead I shall compose a note to answer this most heinous of notes.

Having thought long upon the content of such a note, I found that petty letters, and words, and sentences did not properly express the violence and rage I intended to visit upon my wicked progeny when finally our final confrontation shall commence. Therefore, no words, nor letters, nor sentences, shall I include. The note, the answer, the challenge, therefore, is thus:


And so did I thrust this note upon my doorstep. Now I have resumed my interogation of the Lurker, and my mind is pleased with the certain terror that my note will, no doubt, instill. The tables are turned and the Nuzzard must make the next move!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Watcher

Woe of Joys! Joy of Woes! Let me explain.

I had communications today from Anne! Ah, with joy did my ears hear her voice. But such joy must soon turn to a bottomous woe. She was most apologetic about her former loathing of me. I insisted that such loathing was of no import but she thought otherwise and convinced me that however loathsome she thought me before, she now considered me most loathless.

It was then that her communication showed its darker nature. It seems that she is now certain that she is being followed by unknown eyes (yes, more than one!). She accounts that she had neither heard, nor seen these eyes, but that they must be of a slinking and hideous composition as she has at times felt them upon her and gleaned their ill-intent.

"It is the Budge-Nuzzard," I proclaimed in terror, but she bid me make no rapid assumption. In afterthought I must agree that a Budge-Nuzzard, espescially one such as mine, is not easily concealed nor does such a one often slink with any mentionable skill.

I told her that I should come to her, to guard her every sweating pore against those eyes, but she refused my aid. She will come to me, she decided, and in such coming perhaps the slinking and ill-seeing eyes will be drawn out, and thence awalloped.

It has been nearly eighty-seven minutes since we terminated our communication. Still she has not arrived. I fear the very bad, and possibly the worst. Ah, to have the joy of her voice so withered by the evil of her watchedness. It is almost more than I can sit.

I can do naught but pass the time. I must wait. The Lurker in the Dark waits with me. It still has not moved, nor spoken. I believe that it is close to its breaking point.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Lurker in the Dark

See now the Lurker. In darkness it slept but could not hide. The wisdom of the Samurai has exposed it. I have placed it upon the table and lighted it well to reveal it's hideous secrets. As yet it has not moved, nor spoken, nor given forth any clue. It is wiley.

I shall observe it for a time.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Search Begins

"Seek Pan!" he urged me. And thus do I endeavor.

But how does one seek Pan? Seek the Pan? Seek a Pan? Oh, that I should be newly arrived and so heavily burdened. I must at length send word to the WONAS (Weem-Ti Overseer for New Arrival Settlement) and voice my unrest.

So I sat upon my sofa and sought to seek Pan. Where to start? At the length of a short finger I came to my first clue. I have here transcribed it for you to peruse. (I must at length send word to Meriam-Webster and express my delight.)

Pan- 1. A part: a portion [indeed a mighty clue!] 2. The large division of an exterior wall. [hrrmm] 3. A tab, lappet, or floating ribbon used as an adornment on a dress. [here I am most befuddled]

So there then was the first of many dubious clues in my search. I shall further relate to you the others that I spied to be of most import. The lesser ones I shall flush from my brain, and yours as well if you wish me to.

Pan- v. c. To cook in a pan in a small quantity of fat or water. [this has a most malignant sound to it] e. To attack with harsh critiscism; to ridicule mercilessly. [Heaven forbid this clue lead me thence!]

yet another...

Pan- n. a title of nobility, used honorifically. [that I should seek one such as myself seems odd indeed.]

...and hideously more...

Pan- The God of flocks and pastures. He was regarded as causing sudden and groundless fear. [certainly, this trait, if none other, is shared by my wicked progeny!]

When I had read these things, I thought long upon them. Then I became hungry and ate a pizza. As I prepared that most delightful, Lord of the Pies for my eventual consumption, I happened to spot, lurking in my cupboard, yet another lobidious clue. There, crouched low in the corner, cloaked in shadow and must, lay a simple "pan". I took it from its hiding spot in the nether-kitchen and contemplated it a long while. My initial confrontation with this manifestation of "Pan" in the Miriam and Webster left me doubtful about its importance. So benign it seemed that I flushed it utterly from my upper head. But now, having seen it lurking so quietly in my nether-kitchen, I find that I must recontemplate that which was once contemplated and properly aflushed.

I have not come yet to any proper conclusion regarding the Lurker in the Dark (so have I named the lurking "Pan") and it now sits in full illumination upon my table where I may watch its every move. So far, I should point out, it has not moved. But where Nuzzards and the Samurai are concerned, all may be suspected!

Friday, December 02, 2005


I haven't much time. I write only to ask if you should like an orange. If so, I haven't any.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Vision of Darkness!

Look, if you dare, into the darkness and see what terrible things have befallen me. Help at last, but oh, how worrisome its form!


At night he came. And terrible was his coming, like the rushing of a foul and broken wind. He entered the abode and darkness surrounded him, or perhaps he surrounded himself in darkness! Oh, how terrible that such help should be sought. Oh, how terrible the Nuzzard and the Budge that brought me thus.

“I come through fire! Through very hot fire!” he shouted at me. I squirmed.

In haste, I explained to him the odious tale and all the unfoldings since my arrival, just as I had done to Anne. Each word of my speaking caused his nose to scrunch in terrible anger. He harrumphed terrifically when I spoke of the Budge-Nuzzard and I nearly flung myself into unconsciousness in my fear and trembling. Oh, such harrumphing! I shudder to think of it.

When I spoke to him of the small Englishman and his hideous gnawing, his eyes widened and the sounds of deep contemplation wafted from his upper head. I longed to know the conclusions drawn of such intellectual flexing, but alas, he spoke not of his wafting contemplations.

Then I told him of the great and fearsome Leaping. I related briefly my fanciful remembrance of what I thought I heard the Nuzzard say. I dwelt upon it most shortly for I had no wish to be thought mad. But when I spoke the words, “No Pot like the Pan,” his eyes bulged and quivered and he loosed a harrumph that nearly set me blind and lump-stricken!

“What!?” I cried out to him. “What horrors have you seen in the words!?”

He was quiet then, for a long stretch of time. Perhaps over a minute. His eyes jumped, and bulged, and looked about terribly. Then at last, he spoke.

“Find Pan!” he said and then drew his sword. He flourished the blade and I thought for certain he meant to stick it into me. I hoped that he would not. Then he leapt about the room, swiping the sword through the air and sniffing the air with his loathsome nose. At last, when I thought the leaping and swiping, and sniffing had gone on enough, I stepped forward and spoke to him again.

“Haven’t we had about enough of leaping, and swiping, and sniffing?” I asked. He harrumphed. I trembled.

“Find Pan!” he cried again, “I catch! I bring here!” And now he leapt across the room and thrust his bulging eyes at me. Such trembling I have not known since the Nuzzard so terribly smote me! “You pay!” he said.

My eyes fluttered in terror and when they had stilled, the Samurai was gone.

I must think on his words. They are most unsettling.