The Budge-Nuzzard

My brain has children. This is one of them. Click post titles for the podcast version.

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Location: Weem-Ti

Newly arrived and hideously gnawed.

Saturday, June 10, 2006


Nine-hundred and ninety-seven…
Nine-hundred and ninety-eight…
Nine-hundred and ninety-nine…


Now, ere my late unfoldings are duly unfeld, I shall tempt you toward paradise with a brief history of the Hegemony of Pan, as told to me by that Jouncey fellow in his tidy home, ere I struck upon the road toward the Enthoovian.

Eight-hundred and forty-seven odd years past, as the Pan counts, there was in that flat and metallic dimension a great Cookpot that would not be unsettled. This was, to the many citizens of Pan, a most unpalettable condition. Therefore did the Unsettling Revolution commence and was, after much clanging about, at last ended in victory.

Having now unsettled the Cookpot in question, what was an entire dimension of Pan left to do? Why to unite under the green flag of inter-dimensional commerce, what else? Therefore did each Pan then agree to put aside all thought of itself and instead serve the greater container. Thus was born the Hegemony of Pan. Initially, they sought only to enslave the neighboring dimension of Spatuli and peddle them gruesomely upon the market. This however soon resulted in the woeful Spatulumnus Riots of Bundt and the Hegemony was left looking for a new resource to exploit.

So was the career of Barnabus Clatterpot begun. He was the first to discover that Pans and their collective Hegemony were unique unto all creation in the fact that they alone commanded the ability to travel amongst any and all dimensions as easily as a cookie slups free of a buttered sheet. The first result of this discovery was an intolerable decade marked by the unclad recreation of teenaged Pans wherein they unceremoniously streaked unclothed in and out of other dimensions--and often three or four at a time. This, as you might imagine, created quite an uproar and thus did the chief rival of the Hegemony, the somewhat-evil Black Pots (with whom the Spatuli had allied) gain for a time the upper hand.

It was only as this lightly clad generation finally came of age that they keened to the fact that one might turn a tidy profit by picking up a few odd wares and tasty fruits while streaking through the neighbor’s dimension and selling it for a handy profit across creation where they’d surely never seen a Chogg before, nor imagined that they came in a wide assortment of colors.

Thus did the great age of the Hegemony come to maturity. Soon there was a tidy Hegemonic Outlet everywhere one looked. And in equally tidy fashion did the Hegemonic order send out its most inquisitive Pans to discover what name they ought give to the communities springing up about their trading posts. This Inquisition ultimately discovered that the most satisfying name in Weench or any other tongue was without doubt ‘Voonville’, and so, by decree, has there been a Voonish town so named in the vicinity of each Smithers and Jouncey across the entire dimensional spectrum.

And it is against this alliance of Pans great and small that my wicked progeny has leveled his menacing stare. Should that great bastion of tasty fruits fall victim to the Budge-Nuzzard then I alone among Weems shall be shamed beyond measure. It shall not be! Come now, hairiest of allies! Come now to me, oh splendifferent Sha-Una and tuck me thoroughly in thine hair-concealed pouch. Bear me hence that no Nuzzard nor Budge alive should sully dear Jouncey and plunder his tidy home.

And in answer to my cries did the Sha-Una bound from the darkness and gather me up. Away we are now and without even the meagerest hint or clue where we go, we go there quickly, surely bounding into the unknown.


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