The Budge-Nuzzard

My brain has children. This is one of them. Click post titles for the podcast version.

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Location: Weem-Ti

Newly arrived and hideously gnawed.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


What then of that Jouncey fellow and his tidy home? I shall tell you first that upon entering therein he bid me relate my many unfoldings and sat in quiet, and scarcely-clad, contemplation as I graciously revealed them. When at width I had finished my tale he spoke again and wonderous things revealed. Ah, how naive have I been. And ah, how perilous now looms the threat of my wicked progeny.

Jouncey, you see, is my long sought Pan! Oh, how the wisdom of the Samurai is thus revealed! The Hegemony of Pan I have newly alearned has long peddled odd-wares and tasty fruits in many places, as they are the sole beings in all creation with the knack for travel between any and all dimensions with little more than a moments long squirting. This, as you might imagine, places them in the rather envious position of being the most excellent source of imports and exports anywhere to be found. And thus is the Smithers and Jouncey Trading Post of Voonville the sole franchise in operation hereabout. How tidy!

Then did I learn of terrible things. The Budge-Nuzzard has laid foul plans upon the Pan Dimension (and all the innocent Pans within), and the Hegemony of Pan has lately excercised its considerable influence to move me into action against my wicked progeny! Thus was I gnawed, and thus was that Lurker driven. I must admit that I questioned the wisdom of foregoing methods of simple conveyance in favor of hideous gnawing and Jouncey, sage and sure, merely smiled and posited that much more fun was to be had with a bit of unwelcome gnawing, and much more haste to be rendered as result.

Then did he present me with a curious box. Upon its lengthy flap was writ:

“Nuzzard Carton”

Ah hah! How handy! Then did he urge me to capture my Nuzzard there within. Should that Budge and Nuzzard one find entry into the domain of Pan, then from within that land of simple Pan’s shall he rule with a terrible clutching fist and exercise a lobidious dominion upon us all. Even fair Weem-Ti may fall at last into his terrible clutch!

"But how?" I cried. "How, oh Jouncey most sage!" For though a grand carton did I now possess, I had yet to find a way to confine the Budge once its Nuzzard was there emplaced!

Only one clue could he offer, and robiderant it was.

“Seek the Lair of the Rumpled Enthoovian!”

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Gnawer

In fear did I freeze before the hideous gaze of that gnawing fiend! Closer he came and a terrific scream I scrame. Horror and despair!

Then the Sha-Una loped forward to greet the Gnawer and patted him hairily upon the head. I knew then the black face of betrayal. The Sha-Una had delivered me thus into the hands of my enemy! I wailed and shuddered my lobes. Alas, I am undone!

“Good heavens, man. Is that absolutely necessary?” spoke the Gnawer.

“Devour me now and work thy toothy deeds!” I cried.

“Good heavens! What a silly man!” he said, and the Sha-Una nodded in hairy approval.

“Will you not gnaw me hideously then?”

“Indeed I should say not!”

Then did that lightly-clad man reveal his purpose! And was it hideous? Was it hellish and pungent? Nay! In fact, I was soon to find that many things once thought lobidious and terrible were in fact the works of this marvelously behatted man and his efforts to aid my needful quest.

“Never met a person of Pan-Dimensional birth, I take it, eh?” he asked.

“You mean like the mice?”

“Good heavens, no! Let me explain.”

Then did he leap from the ground and land upon my right shoulder. He pointed a finger and ordered me to hasten. Having complied in bafflement, we soon came to a tidy sort of a building upon the edge of that Voonville town. “Smithers and Jouncey” proclaimed the shingle upon its face. Then the Gnawer leapt again from my shoulder and placed himself back upon the ground before me.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” he said. “I am Jouncey, and this is my trading post.”

Then did I venture within that tidy place and witness wonderous things revealed. But alas, I must gloan in full before they may be here related.

Monday, April 03, 2006


Voonville! Dare I relate its splendor? Dare I here present its wondrous revelations? Indeed, I thought not. Therefore, shall I leave that land of the Northern Voon to your imagination and speak of things less brightly seen.

Ah! My nub throbs wildy in protest! So be it. The tale of my arrival shall I then reveal.

Note: in Weench ‘reveal’ is a term used almost exclusively by those of the cattle rearing industry, much in the same manner as those of the English tongue use ‘refried’ to oft times describe a mash of beany paste.

Accustomed as I was, after such a long passage within the Sha-Una, to the blissful rolling rhythm and bounce of my ally’s lope, you can imagine my discomfort to awake and find myself quite out of motion and seemingly still save for the slight rising of the breathing flesh that bore me hence. Indeed, I deduced at once that the Sha-Una no longer loped but instead seemed to have squatted upon the ground to await my waking.

With the caution of one long empouched I peered out from my moist enclosure to see whether I should like to dare again that Budge-infested world. For a great time did I spy the world from within, for I had no wish to be caught with or without my wares by those leaping minions of my wicked progeny. After a time I spied a figure beside the road. It was a woman upon whom age had twisted a single long and winding wrinkle that covered her entirely. Briefly, she shook her head in the direction of the Sha-Una and croaked upon us something that sounded like:

“Ain’t that awful, honey?”

As away she walked, a intended at once to watch her closely. Surely, if there were Leapers about, they would fall upon her and throunce her hideously. If, however, she escaped unharmed then I shall know the way before me safe, and extricate my body at last from that of the Sha-Una. Long did I gaze out upon that wrinkle-entwined crone, until at last she was utterly escaped and un-leapt-upon.

Then with glee did I spring forth from within that hairiest of allies and look at once for a towel to dry myself upon. Finding none however, I imposed upon the Sha-Una once more and dried myself thoroughly upon a great swath of back hair (I daresay I may never use a normal towel again!).

Now dry, I looked about me and saw upon the horizon a smallish sort of a town to the north. I broke into a feverish run and moments later I found myself joined by my ally. We sped the last mile in loping brotherhood and ere the moon could rise we stood at last upon the streets of Voonville. But then our exultations turned to woe as a hideous figure approached. Out of nightmare he came, a small rotund Englishman in a shiny black bowler—and little else! The Gnawer was come at last to end me!